Dear Yonca abla,
I’m 29 and have been with my husband for seven years, five of these as a married couple. He’s six years older than me and we met at a social function via my cousin.
Everything was great in the beginning. I’d not had a serious relationship before, and he swept me off my feet. He was kind, romantic and a true gentleman. Yet over the years, I am seeing a different side to him.
He wants to know everything I do, tells me how to dress, wants me to only see the friends he likes. He gets really agitated if I refuse. Recently, he’s started to demand access to my social media accounts, saying that I would show him if I had nothing to hide. I don’t have anything to hide, but it’s the principle. He’s too controlling – the more I give in, the more he wants.
I’ve tried to discuss things, but we end up having a flaming row. There are times his temper really scares me. The whole thing is really getting me down.
We have a young daughter and I just feel like packing up and leaving with her. Please can you advise me how to handle this?
Name & address supplied
I’m so sorry to hear of the hardships you are going through. It’s not a healthy marriage and your husband is showing traits that are typical of a narcissist. Such people are manipulative and often conceal their true colours at the beginning of a new relationship, as they get to know their partner. Should you feel someone is trying to control you, or be extremely abusive towards you, or is simply unable to take criticism, then he is definitely ticking the boxes of a classic narcissist!
You have the right to privacy in any relationship, including marriage. You also have the right to spend time alone. Why do we want to believe the excuses a partner makes when they’re treating us so badly? Sometimes the justification sounds good, especially when we are looking for something – anything – to make sense of their madness. They will even make excuses to make you feel it’s your fault.
Sweetheart, demand you have family therapy together, or explain that you will exit this marriage. You should not tolerate this abuse any longer: your husband’s negative behaviour is impacting your daughter too. While we can fix broken children, it can be far harder to mend abused adults.
You have one life, live it!
Love Yonca Able
This article was first published in T-VINE Issue 11, May/June 2019.
Got a problem? Email Yonca@t-vine.comand she will try to answer.